Recent Happenings 5

As I am writing this, I am preparing for a task that will require a supreme effort from me. Technically, I am a professed atheist until circumstance requires me to call on every single resources to deal with the impending situation. One can say that I am very "jian" when it comes to crunch time. So may the being up there help me with it...

This may also very well be the last post for July. The very next time I blog, I might be in August already. Do bear with me as this post will be super long, arising from the crazy thoughts and experiences that I have for the last few weeks.

I finally caught Natural City, the korean film that set me thinking about humanity and what it really presents. For a korean production released in 2006, I think it is acceptable already. I am trying to avoid any prejudice that might have built over the last 3 years in terms of editing and FX effect that films has progressed since. I am entirely convinced that it is possible to have genuine affections with cyborgs. The last scene was poignant though, the choice to chose death over everything else. The female lead (a cyborg) chose to rip out her activation chip willingly so that her memories of the male lead will not vanish at her decommissioning even though that means certain death. The male lead chooses death when he realise that there is no longer any hope of extending the decommissioning date of the female lead. There is also the side quest of hunting down a villain who places immortality over everything else, even at the expense of losing what it means to be human. All this takes place on a very desolate landscape. In short, this movie can be summed up as depressing to the max and I find myself questioning the new low that humanity can descend to.

Personally, I have lost faith in humanity a long time ago. Back in 2007, the part of me that feels and condones humanity died after the incident. Fast forward 2 years, I am convinced that my utter lack of faith in humanity is correct. At least now I am selfish and ruthless and will no longer let mere feelings and relationship stand in my way. Yet everyday, I continue to be amazed with more instances proving that I am correct in my thinking. The fact that I am amazed proves that I am not detached enough. This only motivates me to shed off whatever strands of humanity that continues to cling stubbornly onto me.

Sadly, as more and more vestiges of humanity falls off from me, I feel more and more detached from this world. Nothing else seems to matter anymore. I fear that one day I might just choose to end it all. Sometimes I am very afraid that my thinking is flawed. As the Philosopher Rene Descarte puts it, "cogito ergo sum" (English: "I think, therefore I am"). I am pretty assured that I arrived at that assumption via thinking more then relying on my 5 senses. Yet if my thinking is wrong, I would be doomed to persist in this thought permanently without corroboration. That is actually a catch-22 situation or vicious loop isn't it? I have totally no idea how to corroborate when I may be the only one in this world who feels this way.

In the last two days, I say a photo-frame that I acquired 8 years ago. 8 years ago, I wanted to place in a photo into the frame. 8 years later, I still hadn't done so. I can't believe that I can actually put something off for 8 years. This sparked off a holy search for that elusive photo which I finally found after ransacking my belongings twice. When I wanted to put the photo in, I realised that the photo no longer hold any meaning to me and it no longer matters whether I put it in or not. Another fine example of a thing that has outlived its usefulness. Both the photo and the frame.

One of my colleague talked to me about my seeming low in the office. We discussed the 4 stage which he wanted to let me know. (I reckon I am on a 3 now.) I seriously agree with him though I am not sure how to immerse myself into the level 4 that we spoke of:

1st Stage - New in the company, first full time job... Excitement!~
2nd Stage - Everything you think you know at yr finger tips and confident in what you do.
3rd Stage - Same shit different day. Other things in life more important. Better things to do. Easy irritated by colleagues.
4th Stage - Screw everything else. I work towards my aim and f**k off. Gd luck you other pricks.

I can't help but feel a little uneasy at the way the bosses expect me to do presentation these days. Oddly, the feeling that you're cannon fodder keeps bubbling up to my conscious mind; I am charging up the enemy line and the enemy keeps sniping at you, the CO(boss) keeps shouting flanking instruction and I mow into the enemy cut terribly by bullet wounds and shrapnel. I die in the final scene to a smirk on the CO face.

I did something strange today. I sent a sms to someone that I shouldn't send to. You see, I had a misunderstanding with this person sometime ago and we haven't exactly been on talking terms. I don't think that I am the magnanimous sorts and honestly, I haven't really forget what transpired between us. Yet, I offered a sms with advise on what I think was fitting at that time.

This cannot be the real me! This is a sign of weakness and must be eliminated at all cost. I am just being fair to the other party. It's my principle in life. I am over concern about this tiny matter. This will not happen again.

On a lighter note, the cynicism of myself has reached a new high. The first thing that I thought off when I noticed a lady dropping her phone into the gap between the platform and the train was that the lady better not pull the emergency brake and cause me to be stumped in the train with the evening crowd. Now that's cynicism for you! Practiced by yours truly!


"Over and Out"